Half of Americans say they are lonely. Experts are talking about it being an epidemic. I recently had a bout of it myself.

 

I’m rarely lonely but when it hits, it’s shocking and undeniably painful.

• My recent experience came and went very quickly, a result of being cooped up at home.
• I had this little surgery, my nurses had left, and I felt so totally alone and empty and sad.
• Brad is away doing his desert art residency and I was suddenly overcome with an intense feeling of isolation.

While in this despondent and melancholy state, I had two vivid  memories of having felt this way before:

#1:  After moving to the States, I had my mother visit for the first time. After we took her to the airport for her flight home, I could not stop weeping. I cried for a whole week. We had such a great time together and I could not envision life without her by my side. I don’t recall exactly when that feeling went away. Most likely, my husband ended up taking me on a trip somewhere to distract me from my misery.

#2: After my divorce I found Sundays incredibly difficult. On the loneliness spectrum, Sunday- especially around brunch –  has to be the loneliest day of the week for singles. Everywhere you look, there are couples with that “just had sex glow” and there you are all by yourself.

Anyway, enough of that!!

As most of you know I am a woman of action. After a few months of miserable Sundays, I came up with a plan. Not only did it get me out of my slump, it has served as my North Star ever since.

 

Read on below for my 5-Step Non-Fail Plan for overcoming loneliness.

 

#1: Develop an Action Plan

 

 

Back in the day when I was struggling with Sundays, Paper Magazine had just launched and always had listings of the coolest things to do in downtown Manhattan.

• I made it my mission to pick at least one new thing per week e.g. a movie, theatrical performance, gallery opening, music event, a conference.
• At first I focused on things that I could do on those dreaded Sundays – and do by myself. I did not want to be reliant on friends to make this happen.
• It didn’t take long for me to expand my range of activities beyond Sundays. Once I got this plan up and running, I was so busy that Sundays stopped being an issue. I no longer felt compelled to head out for brunch, I had many other options (including staying home and resting up for the upcoming week).
• It goes without saying, everyone needs to pick things they’re intrigued by and passionate about.
• And by the way, I still do this. Nowadays, my sources are most likely to be Instagram, Time Out and a lot of blogs.

 

#2.  Fill Up Your Calendar

It’s important to not only look for things to do but to actually solidify those plans by adding them to your calendar.

• Get tickets if that’s part of the deal e.g. when I find something I absolutely want to see I order the tickets immediately (as I just did for Frida Kahlo at the Brooklyn Museum).
• Another amazing recent example was a tour of the Explorer’s Club with Atlas Obscura (the Nat Geo for millennials!). Highly recommend getting on their email list – they plan exceptional experiences throughout the country and the world.
• Being super active is in my DNA. My calendar is generally chock-a-block. I recommend you fill up your calendar past the point of comfort. Nothing kicks loneliness to the curb like a full, interesting schedule.
• I must also add that in almost all instances, even when I have overbooked myself and don’t feel like going out, I am invariably grateful when I follow through. For example, last week I had tickets for Howe Gelb at Bowery Electric. I was not familiar with him but his show had come highly recommended.
• I almost bagged it after dinner for all kinds of lame reasons (I had never heard of him, I had never been to Bowery Electric, he was going on later than I thought, there was an opening act yada yada).  I am so thankful that my friend, Sue Winkeler, insisted we check it out. It was bizarre and fabulous. Howe Gelb turned out to be a total eccentric who I loved. I’m so happy I didn’t head home. The lesson is, don’t get lazy.

 

#3.  Be Spontaneous

Nothing is more crucial than seizing those out-of-the-blue opportunities that randomly – but luckily – cross our path.

• For example, my first trip to the Venice Biennale came about – absolutely spontaneously – while at dinner with friends in LA (Patricia Wyatt and Lyn Kienholz).
• They were regulars on the Biennale circuit and they invited me, very last minute, to join them at their Palazzo.
• It was one of the best experiences of my life!!  Spontaneity is a key ingredient to beating back loneliness.

 

#4.  Self-Care + Positive Attitude

I’m a big believer that feeling good physically, mentally and spiritually is directly linked to positivity.

• One way to ensure that happens is to be diligent about it.
• I have weekly/monthly schedules for my trainer, pedicures, hair – blow-outs, color, keratin.
• Routine check-ups – doctors, dentists, optometrists.
• Little nips and tucks over the years as warranted.
• Taking care of yourself is central to being a more optimistic person.

 

#5.  Friends and Extended Social Circle

 

 

I LOVE being with people. And I especially love having a mix of people in my life.

• Obviously close and good friends are top of the list but life can be so much more fun when you introduce random, interesting people into your day-to-day.
• For example, I loved my morning chats – all of last year – with the security guard at the Ace Hotel construction site. I saw him every morning on my way to the gym. We always gossiped about neighborhood goings-on and compared notes on the sometimes crazy alerts we got from the Citizen app.
• There are so many benefits to meeting new people – both in and out of your usual orbit.
• While I know not everyone has the inclination, or the space, to host dinners or parties, if you do, it’s a great way to mix and blend your various networks. Hugely satisfying.

 

Bottom Line.

As with everything else, overcoming loneliness requires work. You have to have a plan and be committed to getting out of a slump.

I don’t believe it is inevitable that you will find yourself lonely because you are single or older or because you’ve moved to a new city or because you’re traveling solo.

The key is to do interesting things and be interested in learning from/about other people. That’s what keeps YOU interesting. And that in turn attracts people to you – like a moth to a flame.

I guarantee it!!